I was coaching a COO last month who was frustrated with her team’s performance. “I feel like I have to stay on top of everything,” she said. “If I don’t keep pushing, it all falls apart.”
She wasn’t wrong about being accountable—she owned the results. But her approach was actually part of the problem. She’d fallen into a loop: the more pressure she felt, the more she took control—by doing the work herself or complaining that no one else did. But the more she stepped in, the less the team stepped up. Around and around it went.
So we unpacked it. I asked her, “Why do you feel like you have to jump in?” She thought for a moment and said, “Honestly, I feel like I’m parenting them—like if I don’t take care of it, everything will fall apart.”
That mindset—stepping in to fix, protect, or correct—sent an unintended message: I don’t trust you to handle this. And the team got the message. They stopped thinking for themselves. They waited to be told what to do. They played it safe—or shut down entirely. Why waste the effort if whatever they did would be overridden or judged not good enough?
So we tried something new. Every time she felt that familiar urge to take over, she had to lead with a question instead. When someone brought her a problem, she’d ask, “What’s your plan?” or “What’s the next step you’re going to take?” She kept her hands off the work and kept her focus on the people.
It wasn’t easy, but it worked. The team got sharper. She got some breathing room. She learned there is more than one way (her way) to get things done. And slowly, the results started improving—not because she controlled more, but because she finally let go just enough to lead.
That’s real leadership: resisting the urge to take over and choosing to trust your team to handle it. In this case, the team didn’t need more confidence—the leader did. She had to believe they were capable and let them prove it. Once she did, they didn’t grow into the role—they stepped into it.
Two Simple Practices to Start Today:
- Don’t Touch the Keyboard – Next time someone asks you for help, resist the urge to take control. Stay off the keyboard. Ask, “What have you tried?”
- Review the Tape – Think back to a moment this week when you took over. Replay it. What would the Adult version of you have said or done instead?